2008-05-31T15:40:00.000-07:00

TOUR STORIES AND BANTER

INTRODUCTION

BILLY

Many of you may be wondering, who are these couple of Dandies who you were instructed to meet under nepharious circumstances by the waterfront. Well I am Billy-

FREDDIE

And I am Freddie Havemeyer. How do you all do? I certainly do not mean to boast but my brother and I are both kind of big deals. We established the sugar refining business on these shores pretty fresh off of our immigration from the Kingdom of Prussia. Now many of you may find the last name Havemeyer to be synonymous with my son, Billy Freddie Junior, but let me just tell you something-

BILLY

Ack, here we go…

FREDDIE

If it weren’t for me pulling strings and getting that boy into Columbia, I cannot even tell you what a royal screw up he would have been- (he goes on railing about his son)

BILLY

(Laughs off the sting of embarrassment) You will have to forgive my brother; he is a little bitter about the fact that his legacy of business and industrial knowledge has been out shined by his son’s illustrious career-

FREDDIE

…SORRY POP, VAN BUREN AND I ARE HAVING A POWER LUNCH TODAY! NO TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS. I’VE LEARNED EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW SO YOU AND YOUR WEARY BONES CAN GO FIND SOME OTHER WAY TO BUSY YOURSELF. IT’S NOT LIKE I’M YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD OR ANYTHING!!-

BILLY

SUGAR! Ahhh, what a glorious and magical substance. Before the invention of the steam engine and the chimney sweep, this was considered to be a luxury product. Can you imagine? A world in which trying to add some sweetness to your coffee would be equitable to purchasing international airfare?

FREDDIE

Airfare? What is this airfare?

BILLY

Don’t mind Freddie, he hasn’t yet wizened up to the internet and death really takes its toll on pop culture awareness. Anyway, I implore you to gaze upon this corpse of a factory that awaits, ever so soon, its transformation into middle income housing.

FREDDIE

And you can bet your ass we will haunt the shit out of this place if that ever happens. (Starts to tear up)…I have…memories here.

BILLY

And this, ladies and gentleman, which my ever overzealous brother has cut us right to the chase with, is the root of all great haunting. The Village of Williamsburg, which was once a paradise for German industrialists, is a rarity in the compendium of transitioning urban environments. Whereas many cities either fully embrace the changing of technology and blossom into the future, or adhere to a stylized re-imagining of the past which many would perceive as “quaint” and “tasteful”, Williamsburg is-

FREDDIE

-Is a veritable rat hole! A Bastard factory where people pay less respect than they would in a barn raising to the refurbishing of old real estate

BILLY

Freddy! For the Love of mother don’t be such a Crank! My brother means to say that this town has an artistic flair which makes it hard to distinguish between the old and the new. All that is new is hidden behind many an unassuming relic of our industrial upbringings. And this muddy hybrid of old and new is a real swindler for us ghosts.

FREDDIE

How am I supposed to know that the factory isn’t in business anymore!?! Looks the same as it did when I was working here. And it’s not even an official historical monument yet! Show them the company video.

BILLY

I was getting to it, all right? Everyone, I’d like to take a look at this supernatural toy that Mac hasn’t gotten around to releasing yet.

FREDDIE

It’s a haunted newspaper!

BILLY

It’s a live action newspaper with an LCD screen which contains the documentation of Williamsburg hauntings from days past. And we are going to bring you to the sight of each haunting!

FREDDIE

And to make it super spooky, we have candy. Nothing gets a ravens hold on ye like colorfully wrapped sugar rush.

BILLY

Ha-ha, it’s what we’ve always done best. We will save the company video for our stroll. Now, I entreat you all to join Freddie and myself on a tour of some of our current favorite haunts in the Village of Williamsburg or, “The Burg” as I’m told the young folks like to call it.

FREDDIE

“Bunklin”, brother. They call it Bunklin.

BILLY

I don’t think so…come along with us and our delightful troubadour, Nathaniel, as we introduce you to more spirits of the modern age whose gentrified disorientation have kept them trapped here in the strangest of ways..

*******************Nate begins to play guitar as we walk to our Next Stop: Radegaste*********

Radegast

BILLY

Ahhh, here we are. Radegast. A lovely old-timey Biergarten that truly takes me back to the motherland. From the outside you’ve got what could easily be misconstrued as a cattle judging facility, but OH, from the inside, treats the like of which a young plump kinder could fanaticize over for DAYS;

Roasted Quail in dunkel beer sauce, Braised Rabbit, all sorts of Shnitzels-

FREDDIE

Just like Mama used to make

BILLY

Sensational beers such as BrouCzech, Weihenstephaner Dunkel Weisse, Dinkel Acker, Eggenberger Urbock, Einbecker Ur-Bock, Kostritzer Schwarzbier- Frodnich Einer Kliener Nacht Muzique Eins zwei, drei, Sein oder nicht sein, das ist die Frage-

FREDDIE

Ahh, just like mama used to drink…

BILLY

Radegast Hall and Biergarten was delayed in it’s opening. The owners claimed, and I quote, that they were wrapped up in “Kafkaesque paperwork” for the department of environmental protection, but those who know the real story know that darker forces were at work

FREDDIE

As the resident family historian of Slavic mythology, I will tell the story of the demon-

BILLY

Oh please. You scored about 2 point higher than me on our home school term paper about the Slavic pantheon.

FREDDIE

As the RESIDENT FAMILY HISTORIAN OF SLAVIC MYTHOLOGY, I would like to continue without interruption...

BILLY

Please (he gives Freddie the floor)

FREDDIE

In Slavic mythology, Radegast is known as the god of hospitality.

BILLY

IT is actually unclear as to whether or not Radegast refers to the god that pagan slavs worshiped OR city itself in which they lived

FREDDIE

(stares at Billy in aggravated silence) MYUh myuh myuh. Heir know it all. The latter explanation wouldn’t really serve our story, now would it?

I shall continue: Radegast, the god of hospitality was met with little opposition by the other gods because he simply and always aimed to please. Truly he was sugar personified, bending over backwards to show Pagan Slavs a good time by making it rain when the village woman were wearing their whitest and most translucent cottons or… helping them figure out how to mix fermented elderberries with the right chaser so that they could add a level of class to their tribal dinner parties.

The only being that Radegaste ever had any issues with was with a very bitter demon by the name of Chernebog. Chernebog was a dark is a dark and cursed little demi-god who can be conjured by the mere translation of these words:

Toje do zla boga glupo! Or “This is devilishly BORING!”

Well the Party seeking artists types in this part of town are no strangers to the bordom bug; the restless rickets.

As the finishing touches were being places on this soon to be epic BIERGARTEN, some freshly disaloushioned locals were going for a walk after seeing the latest cinematic misfire by Michelle Gaundry. Play the scene dear brother:

~ Billy Turns on the iTouch for the film Vignette “CHERNEBOG”~

(vignette begins with two very eclectic looking girls and a lanky guy with thick rimmed glasses, walking down the street towards the eventual destination of Radegaste)

GAVIN

I think the film suffered from a lot of self conscious over indulgence. You know? I mean I think Gondry wears his developmentally arrested heart on his sleeve. And most of the film stole tricks that he already worn out on his audience from the Everlong music video. Big hands? I mean come on. I thought the film was just a huge disappointment. I’m so glad I didn’t pay to see it in theatres.

Jessifer

Yeah Gavin, I totally agree. Gael Garthhea Bernalthhhh’s crippling immaturity made it completely inaccessible to me in every way. I would have been able to be more emotionally invested in a HPV virus vaccine then the stupid film.

Yoshima Mihoto Jones

Yeah Jessifer, I’m totally with you. And what’s with Charlotte Gainsbourg’s nose? Ugh we wasted a whole two hours at home with that crap movie when we could have been getting drunk

(They come up to the side of Radegaste)

GAVIN

(Completely un enthusiastic) Oh hey. This is that new Biergarten that everybody has been yapping about.

(Inside Radegast, who bears a striking resemblance to Hagrid from Harry Potter, peers out the window at the 3 young adults as they walk by)

RADEGAST

Ohhh! Potential customers. They are going to be so thrilled when they get a load of my new palace of brews and otherworldly delights.

GAVIN

God, this place is going to be stupid. I’m sure it’s going to be one miserably overpriced Disneyland mess. It’s going to be way to crowded with fratboys. I’m so over the beirgarten scene. If I wanted to go, I’d go to the original, but I won’t go to queens, so screw it.

RADEGAST

(having overheard their conversation) Since when did people get to be so hard to please? All I want is for them to enjoy themselves. What’s with all the criticism? We haven’t even opened yet?

YOSHIMA

Ugh, I’m already bored to tears

RADEGAST

Oh no! She didn’t say it…!

(Suddenly, a demonic little creature that bears a striking resemblance to golem from lord of the rings emerges in a menacing circle)

CHERNEBOG

Did somebody just summon me!?!

RADEGAST

No No, certainly not! You misheard her. She can’t wait to drink at my new biergarten!

CHERNEBOG

(He takes a leering look at Radegaste) You are experiencing delusions of grandeur my friend. Those hipsters won’t come here even if you pay them. You and your lame attempts at throwing parties and pleasing people. Jesus. It’s enough to make a turnip burst out into laughter

(cut to turnip puppet bursting into laughter)

RADEGAST

Geeze Chernbog, what do you have against me, all I want to do is help people have a good time.

CHERNEBOG

Well maybe if you spent al little less time being LAME and a little more time being AWSOME, you wouldn’t ending up wasting so much time doing the exact OPPOSITE of what you intend.

RADEGAST

Well how do you suggest I do that?

CHERNBOG

If you don’t already know man…I’m not even going to tell you. Too bad you’re so CLUELESS, Oktoberfest is right around the corner.

RADEGAST

(starts crying pathetically) I’m too depressed for this place to open for Oktoberfest. I’m going to wait around till November and see how I feel.

~FIN~

FREDDIE

And so, the God Radegast manufactured some fake paperwork that prevented the mortal owners of the biergarten to open on time. But eventually, the place did open to raging success, which allowed Rady to come out of his depression and impart his hospitable generosity on guests.

BILLY

But every once and a while, some hard to please, over stimulated, apathetic soul will wander in with friends and make a cutting comment about an overcooked sausage, or a beer wenches outfit, and those dropped suggestions of boredom leave a honeysuckle trail for CHERNBOG to come out of the woodwork and make people feel like shit.

Barcade

BILLY

The building you see before you used to be an old metal shop where you could get your spindles and your rods for you know, fixing up your Volkswagen. This place wasn’t much of a fun time until an enterprising young filmmaker by the name of Paul Kermizian and his gentlemen friends decided to turn it into a BarCADE- an ingenious combination of a bar and an arcade.

After buckets of blood, sweat, and bashful tears, (which are all lovingly documented on Barcade's website) the 1980s were risen from the grave! But nostalgia isn’t the only specter that lingers here. There is a dark spirit that looms above the gaming community, desperately seeking his own kill screen, and getting ever closer to taking matters into his own hands!!!

FREDDIE

(Bursts into laughter) My brother, you are being awfully dramatic.

BILLY

Well this is some seriously creepy stuff, all right? The game cabinet, or arcade machine, requires a lot of maintenance and restoration. Most of the Machines in this bar have been restored in either NY or NJ, but one game of the twelve was restored in Australia.

FREDDIE

Not much is known about Ms. Pac Man’s restoration in the Outback, save for the fact that it came back with a fifth ghost!

BILLY

We have footage from one fateful night; august 7^th 2007 of two young gentlemen by the names of Ariel and Skip, enjoying their 11^th hour of gaming before last call.

~ Billy Turns on the iTouch for the film Vignette “Chopper Read’s ghost”~

ARIEL

(Playing Donkey Kong by himself as he waits for his friend to bring him a beer. The bar is scarcely populated as it is about 3 am)

I am the King of Kong!! Never has a Kong chucked barrels with such ferocious might and precision!! Haha!

(Suddenly, Ariel’s fun is interrupted by the sound of a baby screaming and crying)

ARIEL

Hehe, woo! Wait, what kind of weirdo brings a baby to a bar at 3 am? That aint right. Hey Skip. Eh? Oh, he’s getting beer- what the what is that coming out of Ms. Pacman?

( Ariel stares at the machine drunkenly dumbfounded and the camera pans over to the Ms. Pacman Machine. A stubby scratched up hand reaches out from the monitor (side view)

SKIP

(Returning from the bar) Hey man I remembered you said you wanted a Smutty Nose but While I was buying my Climax I went crap for brains and bought you a Dogfish head instead- WHOA what’s that guy doing stuck in that machine over there!?!

(The Camera pans back- side view- to the machine as a very ruffed up looking and with bandages over his ears, who bears a striking resemblance to the infamous Australian criminal: Chopper Read, emerges from the machine in a bloody trench coat. The sound of babies crying and a chorus of cursing Australian accents pours into the air)

CHOPPER

Gimme that Dogfishhes!!! (He grabs one of the beers out of Skips hand, drinks it in one gulp, and smashes the glass to the floor) Where’s ma bloody kill screen!?!?

ARIEL

Where…did you come from?

CHOPPER

(Approaches Ariel at a slow and maniacal pace) I come from a dark and dirty place where the only company ya got is decade old chewies and pools a lob, and human emotion is predicated on the time release of a quarter.

(Chopper runs over to the pool table and breaks a rack that has just been set up by a horrified girl, and then he vanishes underneath the table. The same sounds that accompanied his entrance, accompany his exit. Then, in slow motion, Skips beer falls back up into his hand in reverse.)

ARIEL

I just had the craziest hallucination… you dropped your beer

SKIP

Oh man. That would have sucked. Good thing it was just a dream, mate

ARIEL

Why did you just call me mate?

SKIP

Because I like to make you question your sexuality every once and a while

(The two drunkenly laugh and stumble out of the bar arm in arm.)

~Fin~

Freddie and Billy Havemeyer's Sugary Spook Tour